• Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
• Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
• When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
• If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
• The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
• There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
• Life is sexually transmitted.
• An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
• It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
• Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.