A transcript of the new PABX answering service recently installed at the

Mental Health Institute ........

"Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline......

If you are Obsessive compulsive, press 1, repeatedly......

If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you......

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5 & 6......

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the

line so we can trace your call......

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the

Mother Ship......

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you

which number to press......

If you are a Manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press...

no-one will answer......

If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696......

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a

representative comes on the line......

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,

date of birth, social security number and your mother's and grandmother's

maiden names......

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 10,

9, 8......

If you have Bi-polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or

before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep......

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later......

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our operators are far too

busy to talk to you."